Celebs in my Studio chapter 3

Celebs in my Studio chapter 3

Liam Gallagher (Oasis) teaches us about parenting
Bernard Derriman misses his stop
Adam Phillips is our animation guru
Rowan Atkinson wants a cup of tea
Steven Spielberg is mighty and
The Queen hates journalists



(Liam Gallagher is standing in the cafeteria line inside the Studio)
(Nathan is standing behind him.)

Nathan: “How are you Liam? Don’t punch me.”
Liam: “Why the **** are they taking so long?”
Nathan: “Maybe…Liam, they are cooking?
Liam: “What?”
Nathan: “Did that ever occur to you?”
Liam: “The ****?”
Nathan: “Could you keep the language down to a minimum, we host kid’s shows here as well.”
Liam: “Kids do swear you know.”
Nathan: “Not the ones ours are aimed at.”
Liam: “How old?”
Nathan: “Three and fours?”
Liam: “They swear.”
Nathan: “No they don’t, and if they do they probably have bad parents.”

(The whole line goes quiet, the cooks go silent.)

Lady: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
Nathan: “Umm. That kid’s… shouldn’t swear at the age of three and four?”
Lady: “… and what if they do?”
Nathan: “Then… …”
Liam: “He said we’re ****ing bad parents!”
Lady: “How dare you!”
Nathan: “What no!”
Lady: “You are a tiny sick minded freak you know that.”
Nathan: “Umm…”
Lady: “I quit.”
Nathan: “Sorry, you what?”
Liam: “She said she quit.”
Nathan: “I HEARD WHAT SHE SAID LIAM!”
Liam: “The ****? You just asked what she said.”
Nathan: “I was …”
(The lady leaves the line and walks down the corridor.)
Nathan: “Oh great. Another audio adviser down the drain, this next film is just going to be a ruddy silent one.”
Liam: “Yeh.”
Nathan: “I tell you what too, you were no help!”
Liam: “I know.”
Nathan: “I best start trying to find John William’s number again.”
Liam: “Wait… what if we do the music, Oasis. Noel said he ****ing loves your films!”
Nathan: “He said exactly that did he?”
Liam: “Yes, he said exactly that.”
Nathan: “GREAT! When shall we get in touch again?”
Liam: “No, I can ask him right now.”
(Liam pulls out his mobile phone and types in a number.)
(Nathan waits as Liam replies and puts the phone down.)
Nathan: “Well?”
Liam: “No, he can’t do it.”
Nathan: “What? Why?”
Liam: “He said he’s away that day.”
Nathan: “Oh… ok…”
Liam: “Sorry mate.”
Nathan: “That’s alright Liam, nice to meet you. Was expecting much worse, that’s for sure.”
Liam: “The ****?”
Nathan: “Must be off, I’ll grab a bite from somewhere else. Bye.”
(Nathan walks off down the corridor.)
Nathan: “Wait a minute… I didn’t even say a day!”


Bernard Derriman (The creator of Arj and Poopy.)

(Nathan is sitting on a bus next to Bernard Derriman who is wearing an Arj and Poopy shirt.)
Nathan: “I thought… umm… those shirts were not out yet.”
Bernard: “Oh, you know who I am?”
Nathan: “No, I just recognise the umm… shirt.”
Bernard: “Righto let me introduce myself. G’day, I am Bernard Derriman.”
Nathan: “Who?”
Bernard: “The guy that created Arj and Poopy.”
Nathan: “Didn’t Arj Barker create Arj and Poopy?”
Bernard: “Crackle and pop no! That American hasn’t had any skills in him since he was born.”
Nathan: “Isn’t he a comedian?”
Bernard: “Yeh, he is hilarious, yah seen him?”
Nathan: “Err... no.”
Bernard: “Very funny, very funny. So are you a fan of mine?”
Nathan: “I guess, I own that film studio up the street, we’ve been trying to make a film but we can’t get it right. We’re running out of workers, we have no music and no actors to play the parts. We’re lost without them.”
Bernard: “Everything can be fixed with a pencil.”
Nathan: “I’m sorry?”
Bernard: “No, I was just thinking, if you were a journalist that would be a wise word from me, you know?”
Nathan: “Ok…”
Bernard: “To put… in the heading. Bernard Derriman, the creator of Arj and Poopy says, “Everything can be fixed with a pencil.””
Nathan: “Does it actually mean anything?”
Bernard: “No.”
Nathan: “Ok.”
(Someone across the bus silently (moving mouth) says, “Nutter.”)
Bernard: “Do… you… like Jelly babies?”
(Bernard passes Nathan the packet.)
(Nathan grabs one.)
Nathan: “Thanks…” (Eats it.)
Bernard: “Oo, missed my stop.”
Nathan: “Oh no, do you want me to press the bell so you can get off at the next one?”
Bernard: “Nope, I’ll be fine.”
(They sit in silence.)
Bernard: “Jelly baby?”

(Nathan gets off of the bus and walks into the Studio)
Cleaner: “Morning Boss.”
Nathan: “Morning…. arg… umm…”
Cleaner: “It’s Pete…”
Nathan: “Pete! Right, was on the tip of my tongue there! Of course.”
Cleaner: “But you just forgot.”
Nathan: “Well maybe you didn’t tell me.”
Cleaner: “Excuse me?”
(Nathan has disappeared into the office.)

Patrick: “You’ve got a letter from the ‘How to talk too girls’ foundation. People are giving in some money to help you get over your problem.”
Nathan: “Shut up Patrick.”
(Patrick bursts into laughter)
Nathan: “You know Patrick; it’d be so much easier if we didn’t actually have to film the movie. If actors and location didn’t seem as much a problem.”
Patrick: “You could make something like Robert Benfer’s or try Pixillation?”
Nathan: “That’s it! Everything can be fixed with a pencil. An animation, Just like Arj and Poopy, we can animate it on Flash.
Patrick: “Zoom.”
Nathan: “What?”
Patrick: “No… just, you said flash… made me think of… zooming?”
Nathan: “O…k. Right. Who’s the man for the job?”
Patrick: “Freddie Mercury!”
Nathan: “No… … ADAM PHILLIPS!”

Adam Phillips (Brackenwood)

(Nathan, Patrick and Adam are sitting down in the giant computer suite based in the studio, Adam is working on his graphics tablet as Nathan directs whilst Patrick is amazed.)
Patrick: “Do the computers turn on when you press the button Boss?”
Nathan: “Depends what button, wait a second. You’re a camera man, you’ve got to know how to use computers.”
Patrick: “I’d better learn fast then.”
(On the screen is Macromedia Flash. The set is drawn, a tall red phone box sitting in a country street.)
Adam: “Do… you think… I could give all the characters bitey caps and shirts?”
Nathan: “No, I don’t think so Adam.”
Adam: “None? Not even a guy in the background with a bitey shirt on?”
Nathan: “No, sorry Adam, we need to stick to the story line.”
Adam: “What about a little baby sitting in the street with a bitey bib on?”
Nathan: “No… and why on earth would a baby be sitting in the street?”
Patrick: “Maybe it found a trail of chocolate buttons?”
Nathan: “n…”
Adam: “It could be an alien baby, dropped down from space.”
Nathan: “Look! This isn’t Mr. Bean, ok?”
Adam: “Sounds more like Doctor Who.”
Patrick: “Or Superman?”
Nathan: “No! Look, if it will shut you two up, I’ll let you put one bitey shirt on the close line in that background house?”
Adam: “Sounds good to me.”
Patrick: “What if it gets windy and all of the shirts fly away?”
Nathan: “IT’S AN ANIMATION! We are not filming Patrick! Drawn in clothes can’t just blow away!”
Adam: “They can if I animate them doing it.”
Nathan: “Don’t even start.”
Adam: “No… they could all blow towards the camera having a GIANT picture of bitey flash across the screen!”
Patrick: “Zoom!”
Nathan: “NO! NO! NO! NO!”

Silence

Nathan: “We… stick… to… the script!”
Adam: “Ok… right…”
Nathan: “Go on.”
Adam: “I’ve… I’ve forgotten what’s next.”
Nathan: “Look… at your script.”
Adam: “Oh, that’s right, dropped it into a puddle… this morning.”
Nathan: “You what?”
Adam: “I dropped it into a puddle.”
Nathan: “No… I heard what you said, it’s fine, and we’ll just print out another copy.”

Patrick: “Boss, this machine just died.”
Nathan: “Patrick, that’s the printer.”
Patrick: “ok, well it won’t be printering anymore… any time soon.”
Nathan: “Oh Gosh! What did you do to it?”
Patrick: Before I hit it with my shoe or after?”
Nathan: “You… WHAT? WHY?”
Patrick: “It kept blinking and saying ‘paper jam!’.”
Adam: “Darn they do that.”
Nathan: “WHAT?”


Rowan Atkinson and Adam Phillips

(Nathan and Adam Phillips are sitting in the recording studio; on the other side of the glass by the microphone is Rowan Atkinson.)
Rowan: “Who am I playing again?”
Nathan: “Rowan you are playing John!”
(Rowan reads over the script by the Mic.)
Nathan: “Ok, first, we’re going to get you to record the line and then stop. Your first line is. ‘What? That’s odd?’”
Rowan: “Can I do it in a better voice than that?”
Nathan: “Sure, whatever.”
Rowan: “What? That’s odd!”

Silence

Nathan: “No, we weren’t ready for that.”
Rowan: “What? That’s odd!”
Nathan: “No, no, just a sec, Adam, you’ve got to press record.”
Adam: “But there are so many buttons!”
Nathan: “That one, got it? That one there.”
Adam: “Ok, got it. Ok, ready Rowan”
Rowan: “What? That’s… wait, what was the word?”
(Nathan rolls his eyes) Nathan: “It’s on the script in front of you…”
Adam: “No, it has a coffee stain on that bit; I’m on Rowan’s side.”
Nathan: “What side? There are no sides! That coffee stains only on yours Adam.”
Adam: “You could be right there.”
Rowan: “Was it odd?”
Nathan: “YES!”
Rowan: “That’s right, got a bit confused there, because it said odd on the script.”
Nathan: “How on earth was that confusing?”
Rowan: “Well, after playing Mr. Bean for so many years I keep mumbling through each sentence. I said the word but mumbled, my brain was fixed on that word for a moment I thought I had to mumble in the script.”

Silence

Nathan: “Ok, go when you’re ready.”
Adam: “It is red?”
Nathan: “What?”
Adam: “The button.”
Nathan: “You know Adam; it always helps when it says ‘record’ on the button.”
Adam: “It would help yes.”
Nathan: “No Adam, it says ‘record’ on the button, that’s the one you have to press.”
Rowan: “What? That’s odd!”
Nathan: “No! Not ready!”
Adam: “We’re ready!”
Nathan: “Have you found the button?”
Adam: “No…”
Nathan: “Then why did you say we were ready?”
Adam: “I don’t know, I must have seen the button at the corner of my eye.
Nathan: “IT’S RIGHT THERE!”
Rowan: “Black Adder! Black Adder! He’s got a nice moustache!”
Adam: “We’re ready!”
Rowan: “Will my voice be added to a cartoon character then?”
Nathan: “Yes it will.”
Adam: “It will?”
Nathan: “YES! Adam! You’re animating it!”
Adam: “Oh yes, obviously…”
Rowan: “Does he look like me.”
Nathan: “Not really, no.”
Rowan: “Will it be as big as Shrek? This film?”
Nathan: “Well it’s not really for kids…”
Adam: “It won’t be very famous then.”
Nathan: “What?”
Adam: “According to a survey on my forum kids rule the world.”
Rowan: “Next line! Or else you owe me a cup of tea!”
(Patrick pops up out of no where)
Patrick: “Tea right away Sir Rowan Atkinson!”
Nathan: “He’s not a sir.”
Patrick: “Oh… Do I still get him the tea?”
Nathan: “YES!”
Adam: “Right! Next line!”


Steven Spielberg (Director of Everything.)

(Directors conference of 2007.)
(Nathan is at the door.)
Lady: “Sorry no journalists in the conference please.”
Nathan: “Do I look like a journalist to you?”
Lady: “Why do you think I said, “Sorry, no journalists”?”
Nathan: “This is my best suit I’ll have you know.”
Lady: “You’re Card.”
Nathan: “Sorry?”
Lady: Card!”
Nathan: “Oh… no for a second there I thought you called me a turd.”
(Hands her his identity)
Lady: Go right in.”
(Nathan’s walks in)
Lady: “Next!”
Patrick: “Hello there lovely!”
Lady: “Card please.”
Patrick: “Oh… erm... (Hands her his card.)
Lady: “We don’t except Blockbuster video cards.”
Patrick: “Oh… what a surprise.”

(In the conference)

(Steven Spielberg is at the podium.)
Steven: “Good afternoon, my fellow directors!”
(The audience reply with a good morning and applause.)
Steven: “Now obviously, I am slightly that better at directing than all of you and I’ve come to terms with that. But that’s why we’re here folks, to give a helping hand to the young directors out there keen to be me.
Well, obviously you aren’t going to be me; to steal someone’s identity is a crime. You don’t want to do that, especially when my body guards are around.”
(In the Seats)
Patrick: “Can you believe we’re standing in front of Steven Spielberg himself?”
Nathan: “We’re sitting.”
Patrick: “Oh… right.”
Nathan: “Wait a second, how did you get in here? You didn’t have a card?”
Patrick: “I have no idea, but I’m here now and that’s all that counts.”
Nathan: “True, true.”
Patrick: “Hey Boss, do you think Steven Spielberg is related to Steven Fry?”
Nathan: “What?”
Patrick: “Well with the same first name and everything.”
Nathan: “No, infact, I don’t.”

(Break)
(Food is set along long buffet tables.)
Steven: “Hello.”
(Nathan stares around.)
Steven: “Hello.”
Nathan: “Oh sorry, I thought you were talking to someone more important and famous than me, my mistake.”
Steven: “No, no no. That’s why I’m here, to talk to little nobodies like yourself. What’s your name?”
Nathan: “Nathan.”
Steven: “Yes, never heard of you, but then why should I have? You’re small and puny compared to me.”
Nathan: “…Viney.”
Steven: “I knew someone called that once, were a right woolly mammoth.”
Nathan: “Oh, interesting. So Mr. Spielberg…”
Steven: “Please, call me Jaws.”
Nathan: “Uh… what?”
Steven: “My friends call me Jaws, anyways, carry on.”
Nathan: “Yes… ok, well me and my studio are working on a film, in fact it’s going to be released in two days, I wondered if you’d like to come and watch the first screening? It’s an animation, cartoon. It’s animated by Adam Phillips.”
Steven: “The famous delivery boy.”
Nathan: “…. Yes.”
Steven: “I would love to come.”



Steven Spielberg, Adam Phillips and the Queen.

(The arts centre cinema has shown the new film; ‘Red Telephone Box’ and the small crowds are now walking out.)(Nathan, Adam Phillips, Patrick and Steven Spielberg.)

Nathan: “So what did you think of it Steven?”
Steven: “Nice popcorn. Must go to that arts centre more often.”
Adam: “But what did you think of the movie?”
Steven: “If you were to ask me I’d say my honest opinion.”
Patrick: “Steven.”
Steven: “Yes tiny camera man?”
Patrick: “Was the actor of E.T a really ugly midget or a man in a suit?”

Silence

(A man in formal wear comes up to them.)
Man: “Good morning, are you the creators of these art-house films?”
Nathan: “We are.”
Man: “I have some really good news.”
Patrick: “They’ve agreed to do an Indiana Jones four?”
Nathan: “That’d be a terrible idea.”
Steven: “Oi!”
Adam: “What’s the news Mr. Penguin?”
Man: “Yes… ahem *coughs* well, you have all been invited to Buckingham palace. To be knighted, by the Queen.”
Patrick: “LIVE?”
Man: “It will be broadcasted live, yes.”
Nathan: “No, there must be a mistake, we’ve just made a little animation film about a haunted telephone box and an unimaginative named character named John?”
Man: “Sounds like someone up high liked it though.”
Patrick: “Where?”
Man: “Maybe someone in the Royal Family insisted?”
Adam: “This is… amazing.”
Man: “The limo is here.”
(The man points towards a long black car (Limo) with a man holding the back door open.)
Nathan: “This can’t be happening, or… else… it’s happening to fast.”
Patrick: “ZOOM!”
(Adam, Patrick and Steven make their way for the Limo.)
(Nathan walks behind.)
(They all hop in, apart from Nathan.)
Man at the door: “Sorry, we can only fit three creators.”
Nathan: “What? It’s a limo.”
Man at the door: “We fill the rest up with Ribena bottles, I’m sorry.”
Nathan: “No, wait. Look! Steven Spielberg didn’t even take part in making the film.”
Man at the door: “Don’t be silly, Steven Spielberg directs everything.”
Nathan: “No…”
(The man closes the door and the Limo drives off down the street.)
(Nathan stands slowly placing his hand up as a bus comes by)


(Nathan is at home watching the television; on the screen it shows ‘Live in Buckingham palace.’
(Adam, Patrick and Steven are kneeled down on the red carpet as thousands of people are watching around them. The Queen stands in front of them holding the blade.)
Adam: “Excuse me miss, could you put a word in for my mate Bernard?”
(The Queen ignores.)
Adam: “Now, I don’t want to offend you your majesty but with your old age and that are you sure you’ll be able to steadily hold that sword… could be a health issue there.”
(The Queen continues to ignore.)
Adam: “I LOVE MY EARS!”
(The Queen knights the three men.)
The Queen: “I knight you, Sir Adam Phillips…”
Adam: “Of Brackenwood.” (Winks.)
The Queen: “Sir Patrick Price and Sir Steven Spielberg.”
Patrick: “Wow…”
The Queen: “You may leave.”
Patrick’s: “Thanks your majesty.”
Steven: “You could have said Steven Jaws Spielberg your Majesty.”
The Queen: “I’m sorry?”
Steven: “Well, it’s just what me friends call me and all.”
The Queen: “Am I your friend?”
Patrick: “She’s not Steve.”
Adam: “My ears are still there, few, was getting a little bit paranoid there.”
(The cameras near by are switching off as a few men shout “CUT!” for all of the television channels.)
The Queen: “Damn I hate journalists.”
Journalist 1: “Oh my gosh! Did you get that?”
Journalist 2: “Sorry mate; turned it off.”
Journalist 1: “Darn it.”


(Nathan switches off the telly when it changes to another issue about turtles with wheels instead of back legs.)
(He pulls out a piece of paper from a pile, grabs a pencil and starts drawing up his next film.)

The
End
Of the Trilogy