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Celebs in my Studio chapter one
COMEDY
Adam Phillips works in a video shop
David Firths first animation ideas
Mike Swains American
James Farr’s a bully.
Knox is a kid
David Tennant’s sad…

Adam Phillips

(Set in Video Shop, Adam Phillips at counter, Nathan walks up to counter holding video.)
Nathan: “How much is this?”
Adam: “Oh… um… one dollar please.”
Nathan points at Adam.
Nathan: “Hold on, you're Adam Phillips.”
Adam: “You know who I am?”
Nathan: “No, it’s on your badge.”
Silence.
Nathan: “I’m just kidding, I’m a big fan.”
Adam: “Really?? (Surprised) Who are you then?”
Nathan: “Nathan Viney, Alias, munch. Yuh know?”
Adam: “Oh yeh, the one that dribbled when I called you.”
Nathan: “No... Well maybe.”
Adam: “You dribbled.”
Nathan: “It was more like stuttering.”
Adam: “Stuttering dribble.”
Nathan: “No!”
Adam: “Alright!”
Silence
Nathan: “Hold on. What’s that?”
(Points at Adam again)
Adam: “What?”
Nathan: “THAT! It’s a Bitey shirt isn’t It.?”
Adam: “Could be.”
Nathan: “Nice to see your promoting your own work.”
Adam: “I know, want to buy one?”
Nathan: “Maybe… but when?”
Adam: “Now!”
(Adam pulls out a pack of Bitey shirts from under the counter.)
Nathan: “You bring them to work with you?”
Adam: “There’s thirteen here.”
Nathan: “You’re secretly selling merchandise at your work?”
Adam: “Yep. Every video case has a fortune cookie inside. Every single one says, “Go to Biteycastle.com!””
Nathan: “Fantastic.” (Sarcastic)
Adam: “Boss might be back in a minute so you better be quick.”
Nathan: “Hmm…”
(Thinking whilst staring at shirts)
Adam: “Hurry!”
Nathan: “Hmm…”
Adam: “Hurry! Oh alright.”
(Nathan’s surprised when Adam pulls out hundred of different bits of merchandise and plonks them onto the counter.) Adam: “I got Bitey hats, Bingbong watches, Umbrella fly umbrellas, Wee the witch potties. Faery Flags, Faery thongs, Brackenwood game card sets, Wikipedia Adam Phillips signed print outs, Big foot shoes, little foot mugs, Auld Sage Halloween costumes, Auld Sage coffee mugs, Adam Phillips signed coffee cups, a puppet of Bitey drinking coffee, a giant inflatable fatsack full of coffee beans and a dead gnat.”
Silence
Silence
Nathan: “I’m gunna go now.”
Adam: “Really?”
Nathan: “Yes”
Adam: “You haven’t paid.”
(Nathan pulls out coin and shoves it into his mouth)
(Adam looks surprised)
Nathan: “heh heh, just kidding. It was chocolate.”
Adam: “Ha-ha, oh ok. Right on, Gotcha.”
(Nathan hands Adam a real coin. Adam eats it.)
Nathan: “That was a real coin…”
(Adam looks a little surprised.)
Nathan: “Yeh, see you around.”
Adam: “Oh... ok, tell your friends mate!”
Nathan: “ok! I’ll tell them to rent a video from here shall I?”
Adam: “Please do!”
(Nathan has disappeared off screen)
In background loud voice shouts, Boss: “PHILLIPS? HAVE YOU BEEN DEALING AGAIN?”
Adam: “No boss!” He shouts pushing all of the merchandise back under the counter.

Screen cuts to new releases section of shop where his boss is holding a DVD from the shelf, “The Brackenwood DVD set Collection.”
Boss: “Then what’s this?”

Screen back to Adam looking tiny and scared, “Sorry Boss.”
Comical laughter and applause as the screen fades out.




David Firth

Nathan is in his office typing on his computer. The door opens, and in comes David Firth smoking and holding a piece of paper.
David: “Ok podgy, I’m going to impress you.” (Slightly drunk)
Nathan turns up from his monitor and stares: “No smoking in the building Firthy.”
David: “You can’t call me that, we’re not even friends yet.”
Nathan: “Ok then… filthy.”
David places the piece of paper on the table. Nathan stares at it raising an eyebrow.
David: “This is my magnificent script.”
Nathan: “One piece of paper?”
David: “Its notes.”
Nathan: “What?”
David: “Notes I took whilst I was dreaming.”
Nathan: “Ok, so you wrote it after your dream?”
David: “I wrote IT whilst I was dreaming.”
Nathan: “Well if you wrote it while you had the idea you obviously were not actually having a dream.”

Silence

David: “Read it or I crush this butt on your signed picture of bitey.”
Nathan: “Ok ok.” (Picks up piece of paper.)
David puffs.
Nathan: “Dot point one: A series of dogs with pegs as mouths start eating at a man with three arms and a wonky eye?”
David nods.
Nathan: “Dot point number two: There was some sort of puppets screaming in my face as in the background evil elves threw axes covered in blood at me.
David: “Yes, you could have a man with a big head covered in veins getting sliced up by the evil elves if it helps the story.”
Nathan: “What story? I’m going to have to be truthful with you Firthy.”
David: “So we’re friends now.”
Nathan: “Filthy.”
David: “Oh.”
Nathan: “To be honest mate, you haven’t got what it takes.”
David: “Well neither do you, you’re just some puny kid.”
Nathan: “Smoking kills.”
David: “I’ll kill myself before smoking kills me.”
Nathan: “ok, you do that.”
David: “I’m gunna go and make myself famous! I don’t need you!”
Nathan: “And if anyone else with a disturbed brain comes here with a script idea I’ll send them straight to you.”
David: “Fine.”
Nathan: “Ok.”
David: “Do I get anything out of this then? Free… pencil?”
(Nathan stares around and picks up a spoon from his yogurt, passing it to David)
Nathan: “A spoon.”
David: “A spoon.”
Nathan: “Get out.”
David: “Ok… bye then Nathan. I’ll show you! I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO!”

And he did.


Mike Swain

(Set in a long hall, television studios)
Very tall Mike Swain is standing, eating chips with a (blockhead) shirt. Nathan is standing next to him.
Nathan: “Excuse me.”
Swain: “Yeh?”
Nathan: “No eating food in the building.”
Swain: “Whatever man.” (Continues eating)
Nathan: “Didn’t you hear me mate?”
Swain: “Kid, I’m Mike Swain.”
Nathan: (shrugs)
Swain: “The creator of Blockhead man, online phenomenon.”
Nathan: “Not sure, look you can’t eat in here.”
Swain: (Does Blockhead voice) “I think your forgetting whose number 1!”

Silence

Swain: “I’m not hungry you know.”
Nathan: “Sorry, you’ve lost me.”
Swain: “I’m not hungry.”
Nathan: (points out) “Your eating chips.”
Swain: “They’re an American symbol.”
Nathan: “They’re getting on the carpet.”
Swain: “I want to point out I’m an American in a different country.”
Nathan: “They also symbolize junk food.”
Swain: “Do I look fat to you?”
Nathan: “Maybe not, but they could be effecting you vertically.”
Swain: “I’m also using the chips for an excuse to cover my shirt.”
Nathan: “You don’t like it?”
Swain: “No, the picture on it might make the fans realise I’m Mike Swain and start swarming around me.”
Nathan: “Why are you wearing it then?”
Swain: “It’s a cool shirt.”
Nathan: “Riiight… what are you doing here anyway?”
Swain: “Insisting they make a Blockhead series.”
Nathan: “Ok… well, you put that chips in the bin and I won’t tell the fans outside you’re in here.”
Swain: “I have fans??”  (Quite surprised.)
Nathan stares
Swain: “Obviously.” (Leans over and drops chips into the bin.)
Nathan walks off rolling his eyes.
Man walks past Mike, Mike stretches his shirt towards him smiling and nudging towards it. The man just walks off.


James Farr short

(On the set of Xombie, the motion picture.)

The film crew are on location, a giant bridge is set out as cameras are everywhere.
Nathan walks up to camera man.
Nathan: “Sorry, what’s this?”
Cam-man: “It’s a camera.”
Nathan: “No, what is going on here?”
Cam-man: “Oh dear.”
Nathan: “Oh dear exactly, why is my whole crew walking around dizzy on this deserted bridge?”
Cam-man: “We’re…”
Nathan: “We’re what??”
Cam-man: “We’re filming the new Xombie movie.”
Nathan: “What are you talking about? I haven’t even started the script for Red of the Undead two??”
Cam-man: “No… Zombie with an X.”
Nathan: “Zombie doesn’t have an X.”
Cam-man: “It does, ask James Farr.”
Nathan: “Bu… now there’s a name I’ve heard before.”
James is standing behind him.
Nathan: “HA! Jamesy. How are you … mate?” (Scared)
James: “I’m alright. Have you got a problem with your crew filming my new feature length Hollywood film?”
Nathan: “Nope, everything’s… cool.”
James: “Grand. Hope it stays that way.” (Walks off)
(Nathan straightens up)
Cam-man: “What was that all about?”
Nathan: “Nothing.”
Cam-man: “No, come on. You looked scared stiff of him.”
Nathan: “Bully… at school. Nothing big... well he was big… but besides that… it was… he took my money… sometimes… its fine… I’ll go now.”
Cam-man: “Whatever man. He seems like a nice guy to me, he offered to go to the shop and get me a pie if I gave him the right amount of money.”
Nathan: “It’s gone.”
Cam-man: “What?”
Nathan: “The moneys gone.”
(Nathan walks off)
The Camera man stares off into space. Someone in the background shouts, “ACTION!”

Robert Benfer

(Nathan’s in his office typing, Robert Benfer (Knox) walks in)
Rob: “Hello, hello, hello.”
Nathan: “Hey Rob.”
Rob: “Two o’clock Wednesday we start filming the new clay animation.”
Nathan: “Which ones that?”
Rob: “Villain, you know? I told you last weekend.”
Nathan: “Ok, so. Why do you want me?”
Rob: “I need to borrow one of your camera crews.”
Nathan: “Wha… a WHOLE crew?”
Rob: “Yep.”
Nathan: “Not a camera, not even a camera man but a whole crew?”
Rob: “Yep.”
Nathan: “Robert, we only have one crew.”
Rob: “Oh.”
Nathan: “Sorry, we can’t do it. We’re stocked up; we’re filming a new movie about a telephone box all week.”
(Camera man pops out of nowhere)
Cam-man: “Yeh, we can do it. Scrap the phone film; we’ll work with you Knox.”
Nathan: “What? You have no say in this, what so ever.”
Cam-man: “You made me ‘head of crew’ last week boss.”
Nathan: “Oh.”
Rob: “So it’s sorted. We film Wednesday.”
Cam-man: “Is the set going to be a tiny little miniature city-like thing?”
Rob: “Yes it is.”
Cam-man: “And… what if… I step on it?”
Rob: “You’ll be fired.”
Nathan: “You have no say in that.”
Rob: “What will you do then?”
Nathan: “Probably fire him; I’d rather like to fire him now if he wasn’t such a talented camera man.”
Rob: “Well that’s sorted.”
Cam-man: “Yes, it certainly is, where should I bring the crew?”
Rob: “My house, I’ve got all my toys set out on the floor, say your Robs friends.”
Silence
(Robert walks out of room)
Nathan: “Well, lovely, just lovely. I can bring you back to camera newbie if I liked mate.”
Cam-man: “I know boss.”
Nathan: “If that were to happen you’ll have to work your way up again.”
Cam-man: “Not if I quit.”
Nathan: “And what would you do then?”
Cam-man: “Go play with Knox.”


David Tennant

Cam-man: “So I went to the football yesterday.”
Nathan: “Was that good then?”
Cam-man: “Yeh it was 3-1.”
Nathan: “So why are you telling me?”
Cam-man: “Well it wasn’t ALL good.”
Nathan: “Oh?”
Cam-man: “Well I went there with a cold.”
Nathan: “And we all know what you are like when you have a cold.”
Cam-man: “I jumped up when I sneezed and suddenly everyone started doing a Mexican wave after me.”
Nathan: “Ha-ha, a Mexican sneeze.”
Cam-man: “Thanks, it was cool first time but after a while people realised they’d paid to watch this game and this bloke just keeps jumping up and shouting. So they started to throw bottle tops at me.”
Nathan: “And you’ll never drink again.”
Cam-man: “Shut up.”
(David Tennant walks into the office, Nathan and the Camera man’s mouths open in shock)
David: “Hi, I’m here too…”
Cam-man: “Look who stands in our presence boss.”
Nathan: “I know.”
David: “Hey, I’ve written a script, I’d like you to read it. Maybe even think about filming it?” (Hand’s Nathan a bound of paper.)
David: “I DID give it too the BBC but err… they thought they’d be too busy too get filming really.”
(The camera man is staring with twinkling eyes)
Nathan: “A time travelling nurse with a really long scarf adventures through time and space in his time machine which is actually shaped like a red post box.”
(David nods)
Nathan: “It does sound just that little bit like Doctor Who doesn’t it?”
David: “Like what?”
Nathan: “Doctor Who, the television series… that YOU star in.”
David: “Thinking back, that’s what the BBC said…”
Cam-man: “Of course we can do your show.”
Nathan: “And get fined thousands of pounds for breaking copyright laws? I don’t think so.”
Cam-man: “Who’s the head of crew here?”
Nathan: “Why do I even bother?”
Cam-man: “Exactly.”
Nathan: “This is serious now. You better reconsider your options now or your job may be on the line.”
Cam-man: “I’ve decided.”
Nathan: “And?”
Cam-man: “We’re filming Mr. Tennant’s piece.”
Nathan: “You’re fired.”
Cam-man: “What?”
David: “Oh come on children. Calm down.”
(The camera man walks out of the office with a droopy head.)
Nathan: “And you David. Out.”
(David Tennant walks out of the office)
Nathan sits quietly.

(Outside of the office David Tennant and the Camera man are talking.)
David: “Haven’t got a mince have you?”
Cam-man: “Sorry.”
David: “Chewing gum?”
Cam-man: “Nope.”
David: “Chewing gum?”
Cam-man: “I just said no…”
David: “Oh.” (Nods)
(The camera man gives him a weak smile)
David: “Actually you said nope, not… no.”
Cam-man: “Ok.”
Silence
David: “Tuna?”
Cam-man: “OK!” (Walks off leaving David Tennant staring into space.)
A load of scripts with characters based on me (Nathan) and an idiot camera man named Patrick. They, together meet the stars of the world.
Chapter two coming soon.
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October 18, 2006
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